When I came into the last house, I was a shell of a human being. Even at three months sober I showed signs I would describe as feral and selfish tendencies. I came in, believing the world centered around me from the trauma. I experienced grandiose thinking and expectations I had of how the world should be. I came into the house terminally unique, vindictive and with a victim mentality. They were walls built up over the decades and a mask that I wore is heavy as iron. I did not see myself as worthy of a real life to which it took over three months of delusional thinking for a shift to begin. There was no white light experience, but rather a trial by fire. Slowly but surely I began to see life as a sober man was possible, and not just by abstaining from getting loaded. A thing that I never even considered, emotional sobriety. I began to embrace the concept of gratitude for what was in my life which were no longer material. As mentioned this was not an overnight procedure. Many times my thinking was challenged. Slowly but surely I began to show that I could be responsible. It was shown to me that it was no longer about me, but that I could help those around me. I noticed that it felt better to help then search out selfish actions. The world did not change, simply my views of it did Glimpses of hope began to spring through each difficulty that was overcame. Life wasn’t happening to me, it was happening for me. The more I let go and let God everything became clear and my fears slowly subsided. A newfound confidence emerged with a moral compass that was no longer pointing to my wants emerged. Lastly, a feeling and belief I had long ago forgotten, hope. I do not regret my past for it led me here. I have a newfound freedom in life, and for that I will always be grateful.
