Codependency and Recovery

codependency

Codependency and Substance Abuse:

 

What is codependency?

 

Before defining codependency, it’s important to differentiate dependence from interdependence. Although these terms sound similar, co-dependence is very different. Having needs and comfortably relying (depending) on others is healthy and a part of life. Interdependence is when both individuals mutually rely on each other and the relationship is equal; this is most ideal.

 

Co-dependency (often referred to as “relationship addiction”) occurs when someone relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self esteem needs. Two individuals who are overly dependent on one another create a co-dependent union. Often times, co-dependent relationships are one-sided, emotionally destructive and abusive.

 

This emotional and behavioral condition was identified about ten years ago in a study focusing on relationships in families of alcoholics and since then has been identified outside of homes with substance abuse. Co-dependency impairs an individual’s ability to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship. This disorder is serious and has profound affects on many.

 

Who is usually co-dependent?

 

Although originally meant to describe someone or their loved ones with a chemical dependency, co-dependency can occur in spouses, children, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. Often times, co-dependency occurs in dysfunctional families or families with mental illness.

 

There are different roles in co-dependent relationships; one individual is more overly-dependent than the other one, thus creating a care-giver role for the individual that is depended on. The care-giver is often referred to as the rescuer or benefactor. Other roles consist of family hero, mascot, adjustor, doormat, the rebel, scapegoat, bully, lost one, or the last hope.

 

The family hero and the rescuer have similar roles and can identify other’s needs and meet them but is without an understanding of their own needs. The youngest in the family is often times the mascot and uses humor or other things to distract the family away from the problem. The adjuster is never fazed by anything because they never let themselves be too attached to anything or anyone. The doormat is pretty self explanatory and lets other’s take advantage of them by taking most of the abuse.

 

What causes co-dependency?

 

Co-dependency is an inter-generational disorder in which the behaviors are learned by watching and imitating other codependent family members. As stated above, dysfunctional families are more prone to codependency. Dysfunctional families transpire when fear, anger, pain, or shame is experienced but ignored or denied. As a result, some members learn to internalize their own emotions and neglect their own needs and in turn their attention and energy are focused on other members of the family, usually the ill or addicted one. Individuals learn that in order to get the love they want from their family members or loved ones, they must sacrifice their own needs and take care of others instead.

 

Growing up with an unavailable parent will most likely result in co-dependency by the child taking on the role of caretaker and/or enabler. The child may assume responsibility so that the family doesn’t fall apart. When the “parentified” child becomes an adult, they repeat the cycle in their adult relationships.

It’s important for the family and loved ones to be part of this healing process and to understand each of their roles. The Last House Recovery Community and Thrive Treatment  emphasize the importance of family healing as a whole and offers family support.

  

 

What are the symptoms of codependency?

The following behaviors are signs that you are in a co-dependent relationship.

 

  • People pleasing
  • Guilt and perfectionism
  • Difficulty making decisions in your relationships
  • Having poor boundaries
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Extreme or painful emotions that may result in reactivity
  • Denial
  • Difficulty communicating
  • Lack of trust in yourself
  • Poor self esteem
  • Fears of abandonment
  • Obsessions
  • Extreme need for approval
  • A need for control or a sense of responsibility for others’ actions
  • Caretaking
  • Difficulty with intimacy

Co-dependency and substance abuse disorder:

 

Co-dependency is often times a common and understandable reaction to a loved one with an addiction, especially when it is in full swing. Individuals will go into damage control by trying to fix the person or the family. Many times, family members or loved ones think they are helping the situation or the person with the addiction but are in actuality enabling them. Enabling can appear in a number of ways from being in denial of the addiction, not being honest about feelings and needs, or even providing the user with substances. This cycle goes on until something drastic happens like death or hospitalization.

 

Treatment for co-dependency?

 

Recovery from substance abuse and co-dependency usually starts with the user seeking treatment. However, it is just as important for the other loved ones or family members that are co-dependent to seek treatment as well. Individual psychotherapy is very helpful in addition to co-dependency therapy for the members of the dynamic.

Hiking Mt. Whitney Sober

Hiking has been a long time passion of mine. Ever since I have been sober I have developed a strong bond with nature and the outdoors. It is in nature where I have some of the deepest and most inspiring moments in my sobriety. The picture below is an example of one of the awe inspiring scenes that I was privileged to witness while hiking Mt. Whitney.  I love hiking sober.

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My trip up Mt. Whitney was something which required much planning and careful consideration as it is, after all, a hike up the tallest mountain in the contiguous United States. The hike was about 15 miles (counting the long walk in the parking lot, and the various detours that were required during the hike) and rises to a peak elevation of 14,505 feet above sea level.

This hike was a surreal experience. I had always talked about climbing Mt. Whitney with my friends but had never come close to actually following through. The Opportunity arose when a fellow Last House Graduate forced me to enter the lottery which grants Whitney climbing passes. It was by sheer luck that we managed to reserve three spots for the hike in early august- an ideal time to do the hike.

It was even more fortuitous that we were able to make it up to base camp the night before our hiking date because the road leading up to it had been shut down due to a fire. My two friends and I were one of the 20 cars which were escorted through the still smoldering embers during a low point in the fire before it picked up again.

The hike itself began at 10:45pm and ended at around 2:30pm the next day. The hike was grueling and tested my endurance and commitment on several occasions. The most difficult portion of the hike occurred at the summit where my head started to throb as a result of the altitude and I started to feel the onset of altitude sickness. It was through my throbbing eyes that I was able to witness the sunrise from the top of the U.S, one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever witnessed. The view was far greater than anything I had imagined. To my left I could see straight over Death Valley and to my right a stunning view of the high sierras presented itself. The breaking dawn shattered the small lakes and ponds sprinkled throughout the sierras, piercing the calm still waters with streaks of vibrant orange and yellow. I summited before my friends and spent 15 minutes in complete solitude observing the sunrise before snapping a few pictures and hurrying to check on my buddies who were resting below.

My Mt. Whitney experience was made possible through my stay in The Last House and my commitment to being sober. If it were not for my fellow housemate I would not have entered the lottery which got us passes to hike, I would have missed out on an experience I cherish dearly today.

–David S.

A Story of Hope and Transformation

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A Story of Hope and Transformation

My name is Tanner R. and I am twenty-three years old and have been a resident at the last house for just under eleven months. I am currently employed as an office manager at a dui education program. The job entails me maintaining and a running the front office, taking payments and auditing files. I am a full time employee with health and dental benefits and have earned the trust and respect of my fellow employees. I say all this not to brag or boast about my life, simply to help you get an understanding of what my life looks like today. In the story I am about to tell you will see how this is completely different to how I used to live. I owe a great deal of this to The Last House. All that I have learned about life, my self, and the program of alcoholics anonyms has been gained in my residency there.

 

There is not really a perfect way to explain what makes me the addict that I am but there is a set of beliefs that I gained as a child and thru my teen years. I believe that all the events and the way that I perceived them were the perfect brewery for my alcoholism. No pun intended.

 

Just before I entered The Last House I was living in San Diego in my car. I was a daily heroin user and saw no end to my addiction. I had nowhere to go no family left to turn to for a warm or help. I lied and stole at every opportunity I had. I was a grown man with no principles no moral code and no hope. Don’t get me wrong I had plenty of fun times in the beginning but those times had long since passed. My addiction had me in its grips. One day after heavy use I got an invitation from my brother to go live with him in his R.V. and work for him at his company. I had thought that this would change things for me moving away from the city I used to love that I thought was the problem. Later I found out what this was. In the program we refer to it as “geographical”. Things continued from there not getting any better. I continued lying and stealing from my brother a man who held his hand out to me. One day while on the job I used heroin and left a rig and a cooker behind for his co-owner to find, this was the beginning of my journey into recovery. The jig was up, word had gotten back to my brother. When I got home that night he laid into me and told me that I had to make a decision. I could A. leave his motor home and continue down this path, or B. I could get honest with and ask for the help that everyone but I knew I needed. That night I made the best decision of my life to seek help.

 

My journey in recovery started at a sober living called Genesis House. The place was fantastic for the first time in a long time I had a bed to call my own and a shower to use. I firmly believe that it was exactly what I needed at that time but the financial burden it placed on my dad made it clear that thirty days was as long as I could stay there. I believe this to be a very important part of my recovery where yet again I was faced with a decision go back to San Diego where I was almost certain to fall right back into my old habits or find a place within the price range given and go there. This marked the first time I had made a choice based on my own feelings and not what others saw fit for me. After two days and multiple phone calls the therapist at my I.O.P. recommended a place to me, it just so happened to be The Last House. Armed with a number and the determination to stay sober I made the call the next day Clayton picked me up and I toured the houses.

What happened next is what I have come to see as my higher power working in my life. I was on the tour of the houses and Clayton and me began talking about our families. He had asked me where my family was from so I gave him the rundown about my mom and her roots but when I got to my dad and the mention of Jacumba came up he stated that his family used to own a ranch in that town. This may not seem to weird to some people but if you knew anything at all about Jacumba you would understand how strange it was. I proceeded to call my dad and ask if he knew the Ketchums and much to my surprise my dad named off all of Claytons aunts and uncles and that he knew his grandparents. At this point my decision had been made for me. I needed no more reason than that to pick The Last House. That day was the day that I began to firmly believe that something greater than my self was working in my life and marked my stay at The Last House. Every time I have gone thru hardship in my recovery or felt like giving up I have remember that moment and that this is where I was meant to be.

 

My stay in the last house has been no cakewalk. When I first arrived at the last house I was a manipulator, a liar, and borderline insane. Over my stay I have put my self thru the ringer all the while building a foundation that I believe will help for the rest of my life. This whole concept was foreign to me a place where we wrote essays for leaving out cups, had groups where people got give feedback to other residents and share there perspectives on what was going on I had seen nothing like it in my life. As I settled in these things became like second nature to me though. I began learning that all the rules had purpose, we residents hold each other accountable and that’s what makes this place work. I remember the first time I was receiving feedback and the amount of anger I felt. I remember thinking that all that was being said to me was because they didn’t like me in hindsight I see that they were just sharing there experience and trying to help me grow and learn. Things got easier I was on restriction had free time to relax if only I knew how and had time to get started on my steps. My housemates on official would take me to meetings with them to the store and out to have fun. They showed me a new way of life and that being sober is not only okay but it is fun.

 

The time came when I had to get a job and start being self-sufficient. I had just got off restriction and began working my life had gotten bigger. This was a time in the last house that I see to be the most important. I was in the midst of learning how to balance my responsibilities something I had never done before. I was so angry at everything during this period getting essay after essay in turn getting angrier and angrier. Thank god for my brothers around me they cared enough about me to call me out when I was feeling sorry for my self or lying to my self saying I couldn’t do it. This time in my sobriety was one of the hardest times I have gone thru in the past 11 months. I truly believe that without this house and the people in it I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I had people show up for me and care about me. Thru the support of my friends in the house I was able to make it thru this. I was able to see how childish my behavior was. I was learning to become a man by having a mirror held up to my self so that I could change who I was. This house has taught me how to show up for people.  Today, I am gainfully employed at Thrive Treatment.

 

For that I will be eternally grateful.

written by senior resident Tanner R.